For many children and parents the transition from summer
routines back to school is a difficult one. Any time of transition can be hard
for children, but transitioning back to school is especially challenging given
the level of anxiety most children feel towards social situations, performance
and separation from parents. Here are some of our tips for helping anxious
children cope with returning to school:
Sean’s Tips
1) Take care of the
basics
Sleep schedules often change between summer
vacation and the school year. Remaining as consistent as possible with sleep
schedules can make a huge difference for children that experience anxiety.
Sleep routines are set by an internal clock in our brains, referred to as a
circadian rhythms by nerds like us, and this patterned firing of neurons takes
time to catch up to the changes we make in routine. When our circadian rhythm
is out of sync with our actual bedtimes and wake times we see more difficulty
falling asleep and overall decreases in quality and quantity of sleep. As a
general rule, children need between 9 and 11 hours of sleep depending on the
child. This decreases to between 7 and 9 hours by late adolescence and early
adulthood.
Diet can play a major role in anxiety. If you
have ever visited a schoolyard, the first things parents notice is that there
is a whole lot going on at all times. This level of stimulation can make paying
attention to subtle messages from our bodies, like hunger and satiety,
difficult. Making sure children eat wholesome and energy rich foods throughout
the day can ensure they have the energy required to manage their emotional
systems. Also, foods high in sugar and high carb “junk” foods can act as
starter kits for anxiety as they spike arousal during and soon after consumption
and can leave kids feeling burnt out afterwards.
2) Avoid avoidance!
The only way any human has ever overcome a
fear is by facing it- or I suppose by having parts of their brain removed.
Surgical brain alteration is super risky so we recommend the first option.
Children need to be supported to face their fears. As parents, we best support
children when we are both a safe haven from the stresses of the world and a
launch pad promoting further exploration. This is a fundamental principle in
Attachment Theory and most positive parenting models.
Helping our children face their fears can be
difficult. We want our children to be happy and it is difficult to watch them
experience discomfort. As children struggle with hard emotions we may believe
that removing them from the situation causing the discomfort is the
compassionate thing to do. However, when it relates to most anxiety, avoidance
increases discomfort in the long run. Children are safe at school and by
removing them from it, or decreasing their exposure to it, we send their
nervous systems mixed messages about this.
If you have a child who wakes up and starts
feeling a little gross inside about attending school, when they are told they
can stay home that discomfort rapidly goes away. This sense of calm and
positive emotion is then linked to not attending school. Staying home from
school becomes associated with feeling calm and the link between going to
school and discomfort is intensified. As children are able to sit through the
initial discomfort of attending school it gives their nervous systems a chance
to recalibrate and typically the anxiety will decrease over time if they
continue to attend.
For some children the demands of a full day
are just too much. For these few children, with the help professionals like us,
we may manage shorten the duration of their exposure to school briefly. This
would provide them with the opportunity to face the anxiety while not being
overwhelmed by it. In this case we often endorse attending as much of the day
as possible and being mindful to increase durations regularly to keep them
moving towards the goal of regular attendance.
3) Prepare for a
hard first couple of weeks
Just because
challenging behaviours or intense emotional responses seem to escalate with
exposure to their fears it does not mean that you are not helping your child.
Often in childhood we see a brief escalation in behaviour and emotion following
a shift in expectations. This little hump is referred to by nerds such as
my-self as an “extinction spike.” Essentially, as we leave children to face
their fears, they may work harder to draw out the avoidance they believe would
be helpful. This can looks like more yelling and anger towards the parent. A
typical spike will only last a couple of days.
The emotional responses children feel towards
school are not driven by parts of the brain that shift rapidly. These are
typically driven by the limbic system in the brain which tends to be one of the
more “let’s wait and see before changing anything” parts. The calming that
comes from exposure to feared stimuli, like continuing to go to school even
though it feels uncomfortable at first takes time and children may have to
learn that it is okay to feel uncomfortable for a bit before they start to feel
calmer.
Josh’s Tips
1)
The 4 x 5-minute rule
In the years I have spent working with
individuals who have experienced trauma, I have often observed that it is not
the trauma itself that will be the sole cause of PTSD, but how the trauma
narrative is received by the support system; supports can serve as a buffer to
the trauma. With that in mind, this is where I recommend the 4 x 5-minute rule,
spending five minutes four times a day at their most vulnerable times: first
thing in the morning, before school, after school, and bedtime.
Use those four moments to empathize, validate,
and connect with your child with whatever may be going on with them. Be curious
about their dreams, prepare them for school, buffer them when they get home,
and make them feel safe as they go to sleep. These moments can be pearls
of connection as you learn more about your child’s world.
2)
Allow for free-play
Having a predictable and structured routine is
important and it help children develop towards better managing worries and
stress. As important as it is to be involved in structured programming, such as
sports, music lessons, homework; it is just as important to have portions of
the day available for free-play. Opportunities to explore and create are vital
as children make maps of themselves and the world. Set out craft supplies, do
some baking, kick around the soccer ball, allow for imaginative play, and so
on. These can be very refreshing to a stressed brain and promote individuality
and esteem.
3) Parent self-care
I know, I know- we just had two months of
summer, isn’t that enough self-care? No. Not the self-care that is needed to
deal with the day-to-day tasks and stressors that the school year brings. True
self-care includes small every day activities that give you a boost. Take stock
of your resources: spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, or social, and
schedule time to do things that make you smile, give you an emotional reward, or
help you through the day. Some ideas are: going for a walk, reading or
listening to a book, dancing or singing to your favourite song, exercise, certain
scents, and so on.
When I facilitate groups with parents or
students, one of the first things we do is build a list of self-care items,
starting from the letter A going all the way to Z. It helps generate ideas of
self-care that you may not have tried. I encourage you to make a list as well,
you may learn something new that you would like to try. You’ll know you have
found a self-care task when it provides you relief or gives you energy.
If you are taking care of yourself, you will be better able to support your child(ren) as they transition back to school.
If you are taking care of yourself, you will be better able to support your child(ren) as they transition back to school.
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